An open letter to the religious solicitors in Elmwood Village:

Dear freaks,

Please refrain from leaving your literature at my house on Norwood Avenue (I'm talking to YOU Scientologists and Jehovah's Witnesses). I am not now nor will I ever be interested in your so-called "religions". You've been littering my front porch all summer and I am sick and tired of cleaning up your pamphlets and brochures. And that Scientology questionarre you handed me on my way to the bank? I've seen better questions on a MySpace survey. I've tried to be nice, but I'm about to go South Park on your ass.

Thank you.

Disdainfully yours,
A pissed off neighbor (aka ME)

PS: Youre killing trees! You may not care since you think youll be taken to the Mother Land sooner rather than later, but some of have accepted that we have to live on this GD planet.